my job

Over the past almost seven years, I have stayed at home and raised my children. I have come to view my life as little more than a jumble of exhausted days, all running into one another, all repeating one another, and all resulting in the same half-cleaned house, half-put-together thoughts, and mostly uncompleted projects. I wake up the next morning with a renewed feeling of exhaustion, a renewed sense of guilt over the uncompleted projects and un-checked-off to-do lists. Then I go to bed with the same sense of guilt with which I awoke. Is this what it means to be a stay-at-home mom?

Don't get me wrong, I adore my children. I love my house. I love being home, homeschooling, and homemaking. I love the feeling I have when my Lainie runs around the kitchen table, away from her dinner plate, and snuggles into my side, and when I ask her why she's up from her seat, she says, "I just needed to snuggle with you for a minute." I love that my son doesn't want to even brush his teeth without me around to giggle at him while he makes foamy faces through his toothbrush. I love that our nightly ritual isn't complete until we sing some ridiculous song that nobody else in the whole world knows (because we made it up), and then snuggle and pray and give "kisses all over my face" as Bryson calls it, then wipe them off, while hearing, "Don't you wipe off my kisses!!" (followed by more silly, sloppy kisses). And that Reasa asks, "Is it late yet, Mommy? Can we talk before we pray?" I know there are parents who would die for those moments, and they happen so often here, I can take them for granted. I cherish them. Really. It's just days like today that I question the worth of my chosen "profession."

It's when the bills come due, the paycheck runs short, the overdraft kicks in, the truck won't pass inspection, the cell phone gets shut off to outgoing calls, the freezer and pantry get a good looking over, and the arguments start. That's when I wonder why I feel so called to this staying-at-home business. If I didn't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wants me, I would seriously question my position here. I have friends who wonder how I can feel valuable at home, not working, not "doing anything" as they put it. Seth even wonders how I can feel fulfilled. Fulfilled. Like raising my kids to love learning, love each other, love other people, and love the Lord isn't fulfilling!! It's not fulfillment that I'm missing. It's finishing a project. Keeping my house clean. Keeping the laundry done. Finding my countertops. Making phone calls. Making my business work. Finding time to write. Making ends meet. Those things are strangely missing. If fulfillment only brought with it a paycheck! Now that would be fulfilling.