my job

Over the past almost seven years, I have stayed at home and raised my children. I have come to view my life as little more than a jumble of exhausted days, all running into one another, all repeating one another, and all resulting in the same half-cleaned house, half-put-together thoughts, and mostly uncompleted projects. I wake up the next morning with a renewed feeling of exhaustion, a renewed sense of guilt over the uncompleted projects and un-checked-off to-do lists. Then I go to bed with the same sense of guilt with which I awoke. Is this what it means to be a stay-at-home mom?

Don't get me wrong, I adore my children. I love my house. I love being home, homeschooling, and homemaking. I love the feeling I have when my Lainie runs around the kitchen table, away from her dinner plate, and snuggles into my side, and when I ask her why she's up from her seat, she says, "I just needed to snuggle with you for a minute." I love that my son doesn't want to even brush his teeth without me around to giggle at him while he makes foamy faces through his toothbrush. I love that our nightly ritual isn't complete until we sing some ridiculous song that nobody else in the whole world knows (because we made it up), and then snuggle and pray and give "kisses all over my face" as Bryson calls it, then wipe them off, while hearing, "Don't you wipe off my kisses!!" (followed by more silly, sloppy kisses). And that Reasa asks, "Is it late yet, Mommy? Can we talk before we pray?" I know there are parents who would die for those moments, and they happen so often here, I can take them for granted. I cherish them. Really. It's just days like today that I question the worth of my chosen "profession."

It's when the bills come due, the paycheck runs short, the overdraft kicks in, the truck won't pass inspection, the cell phone gets shut off to outgoing calls, the freezer and pantry get a good looking over, and the arguments start. That's when I wonder why I feel so called to this staying-at-home business. If I didn't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wants me, I would seriously question my position here. I have friends who wonder how I can feel valuable at home, not working, not "doing anything" as they put it. Seth even wonders how I can feel fulfilled. Fulfilled. Like raising my kids to love learning, love each other, love other people, and love the Lord isn't fulfilling!! It's not fulfillment that I'm missing. It's finishing a project. Keeping my house clean. Keeping the laundry done. Finding my countertops. Making phone calls. Making my business work. Finding time to write. Making ends meet. Those things are strangely missing. If fulfillment only brought with it a paycheck! Now that would be fulfilling.

six year olds

What is it about six year olds?

My oldest daughter, Reasa, is six. The child boggles my mind on a moment-by-moment basis. I do not understand how one moment, she can say the most compassionate, loving, self-sacrificing thing, and the next moment, she can be screaming at me that I hate her or tell her sister she's ruining her life. Who taught my six-year-old that someone could ruin her life?

What's a bit terrifying is that in a month, I will have 2 six-year-olds in my house. How did this happen?? And regardless of the fact that they're only the same age for one day shy of a month, it's like having twins pretty much every day of the year. They go through the same stages, and they do it all together, and they just blow our minds. I remember listening to my mother talk to her friends on the phone or in my living room when I was a kid and shaking my head...how could two grownups be so obsessed with their children that all they talked about was how fast they were growing up? Didn't they have something more interesting to talk about? I don't remember the "what-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-kid" conversations, or the "please-just-tell-me-I'm-not-ruining-my-child" conversations, but I know they happened. I know because I have become my mother. When my friends drop in or call, our conversation relvolves around our children--their latest mishaps, their most recent accomplishments, broken bones, lost teeth, traumatic experiences...or ours, as they relate to our children. It's drama, drama, drama with kids. Always something to figure out, dissect, or resolve. Always something I can't figure out, overdissect, or for which I find no reasonable resolution.

So I'll continue to dissect my kids'. I'll try to figure out my six-year-olds. And my three-year-old. And pretty soon, they'll be trying to figure out theirs. Isn't this what parenting is all about?

new year, new life?

I find myself here every year. Already Tuesday, January 3rd, and I still haven't sat still long enough to make any resolutions. As always, the majority of me says, "Why bother?" I heard a report this morning claiming that most New Year's resolutions will be broken by mid-February, and they had the numbers to support it. Does it irritate anyone else that someone is sitting behind a desk somewhere making phone calls to unsuspecting Americans asking them when they gave up their resolutions last year? Why do we make resolutions each January with these far-reaching, lofty goals, and give up by February?

Well, duh.

I haven't made any resolutions for the past 4 years. I have always blamed time...three kids and a house and a husband and other commitments have been my excuse. It's easier not to think about something in addition to everything already in place. In years past I have resolved to lose weight, to work out regularly, to keep my house clutter-free...that would still be a good one. They all would for that matter. The concept of resolutions has promise, actually, if there are clear-cut, realistic goals set for them. However, I must say, it ticks me off that the diet market profits so generously around this time of year--that the end caps of aisles and the entire health and beauty department at any given store focus exclusively on the latest craze in weight loss "success," then in small print on all of the motivational commercials/packaging/information you read "results not typical." I never noticed this before a few years ago when I was so determined to lose 10 pounds on January 1st. I think I used slim fast, lost 3 pounds, got sick every day (lactose), and gave up a month later when I couldn't take the stomach cramps any more and thus, my results were then "typical." What's stupid is that I gave up on weight loss because I couldn't do the quick fix...if someone could snap his fingers and make me lose weight or organize my house or fit in exercise, I would pay him to do that. But diet and exercise and long-term tidiness goals haven't worked for me. What a ridiculous thing to say! But that's the reality...I need the quick fix. I look for the magic pill that requires no real commitment other than remembering to take the pill.

So, resolutions. I hereby resolve to write something every day except for Sundays (have to plan for School on Sundays). I hereby resolve to stick something on my blog once a week, even if it's nonsense. (Isn't most information on a blog nonsense?)(Sorry...I'm sure some of you out there write relevant, important blogs.) I hereby resolve to go to bed by 11:30 every night. I hereby resolve to make healthy eating/exercising choices this year (as soon as my baby toe heals).

Check back with me in February.